(This is a satirical assignment I had to do for school and had a lot of fun writing.)
There is a problem with teens today. More and more teens are committing suicide by the minute and adults are feeling so much stress trying to help these teens that they themselves might even become suicidal. Past solutions haven’t worked too well; in fact, they seem to have made the problem worse. These teens are being helped but in the meantime, they pass on how they feel to other people and get them suicidal. It’s an uncontrollable chain reaction that we need to take the initiative to stop. So I modestly propose a different solution. This may come across as mildly excessive, but once you hear the solution you may be quick to agree. I propose instead of helping teens get better, we open teen euthanasia clinics that teens can go to to choose ways they want to die.
Now you may be asking, “What benefit does this truly have on society?” Well the benefits are endless! Let’s touch upon the problem itself. Teen suicide rates are high. Yes they are, but what’s the true reason? Is it because these kids are really alone? Is it because they have no one to turn to? Is it because they feel like they can’t do anything productive in the world? No. It’s because we turn to them and say, “Hey, I’m here for you.” It’s because they have a strong support system with their friends. It’s because we don’t ignore them enough. Think of it like this: They go and talk to their best friend about their thoughts, and soon that friend will be sharing those thoughts. Those thoughts will then become like a virus, and attack that kids emotions. Soon, that kid will be suicidal as well, and now you have two suicidal children to deal with. It’s only a matter of time before they spread it to their friends and so forth. To stop this, we need teens to realize they don’t have anyone to turn to for help. Instead, what they have is a clinic, or just even a wing in a hospital for that child to go to so they can have help committing suicide. This way, their emotional problems get fixed (legally), and they’re not spreading around that filthy disease.
There are also many societal benefits. Right now the economy sucks, people don’t have jobs, and no one’s making money. If we open up this clinic, it hires people to do the professional suicide-helper, people to clean up the place, fills up morgues for people to work in, etc. But now you may be wondering where funding for this would come from. Well if we just build the clinics into hospitals, we’ll just use the funding given to hospitals. Simple. Economy fixed.
But now the question is raised of what it will cost. Well that depends on the person committing suicide. If they don’t have any money, they can donate an item that they own so it can go to a more deserving child. But if they do have money, well then they’ll pay a simple rate of how ever much they can.
Now some people may be argue that this is not the solution; that we need to help these kids get a handle on their problems. Because that’s obviously worked before. The world is over-crowded anyways; have you ever been to China? Let them die if they really want to. Some of the more religious freaks may mention that it’s a sin to kill themselves. If they are seriously going to kill themselves, chances are they’ve sinned some other way and are going to Hell anyways.
This will, however, not affect me in the slightest. I have not considered suicide in the slightest, and my friends are all well emotionally stable. They have no intention of suicide either. As for my kids, well I have no intention of kids. So no need to deal with suicidal brats. Thank you.
There is a problem with teens today. More and more teens are committing suicide by the minute and adults are feeling so much stress trying to help these teens that they themselves might even become suicidal. Past solutions haven’t worked too well; in fact, they seem to have made the problem worse. These teens are being helped but in the meantime, they pass on how they feel to other people and get them suicidal. It’s an uncontrollable chain reaction that we need to take the initiative to stop. So I modestly propose a different solution. This may come across as mildly excessive, but once you hear the solution you may be quick to agree. I propose instead of helping teens get better, we open teen euthanasia clinics that teens can go to to choose ways they want to die.
Now you may be asking, “What benefit does this truly have on society?” Well the benefits are endless! Let’s touch upon the problem itself. Teen suicide rates are high. Yes they are, but what’s the true reason? Is it because these kids are really alone? Is it because they have no one to turn to? Is it because they feel like they can’t do anything productive in the world? No. It’s because we turn to them and say, “Hey, I’m here for you.” It’s because they have a strong support system with their friends. It’s because we don’t ignore them enough. Think of it like this: They go and talk to their best friend about their thoughts, and soon that friend will be sharing those thoughts. Those thoughts will then become like a virus, and attack that kids emotions. Soon, that kid will be suicidal as well, and now you have two suicidal children to deal with. It’s only a matter of time before they spread it to their friends and so forth. To stop this, we need teens to realize they don’t have anyone to turn to for help. Instead, what they have is a clinic, or just even a wing in a hospital for that child to go to so they can have help committing suicide. This way, their emotional problems get fixed (legally), and they’re not spreading around that filthy disease.
There are also many societal benefits. Right now the economy sucks, people don’t have jobs, and no one’s making money. If we open up this clinic, it hires people to do the professional suicide-helper, people to clean up the place, fills up morgues for people to work in, etc. But now you may be wondering where funding for this would come from. Well if we just build the clinics into hospitals, we’ll just use the funding given to hospitals. Simple. Economy fixed.
But now the question is raised of what it will cost. Well that depends on the person committing suicide. If they don’t have any money, they can donate an item that they own so it can go to a more deserving child. But if they do have money, well then they’ll pay a simple rate of how ever much they can.
Now some people may be argue that this is not the solution; that we need to help these kids get a handle on their problems. Because that’s obviously worked before. The world is over-crowded anyways; have you ever been to China? Let them die if they really want to. Some of the more religious freaks may mention that it’s a sin to kill themselves. If they are seriously going to kill themselves, chances are they’ve sinned some other way and are going to Hell anyways.
This will, however, not affect me in the slightest. I have not considered suicide in the slightest, and my friends are all well emotionally stable. They have no intention of suicide either. As for my kids, well I have no intention of kids. So no need to deal with suicidal brats. Thank you.